Saturday, June 20, 2009

You know your house is old if...

...the Realtor handed you a government pamphlet on lead-based paint while you were buying the house.

"Hmm, I wonder what's in here?"
As with most government pamphlets, the content is... Enthralling. Enrapturing. Engaging.


In order to save you all the horrors of reading such a pamphlet, I have taken the liberty of annotating the pamphlet (portend of lead-based doom) for you.

Again, it's the history major in me. But we won't discuss the joys of annotated bibliographies. I'm all about saving you fine folk from the horrors of life.

- If your house predates 1978 (and mine does) then don't...
  1. sand or scrape the walls
  2. intentionally inhale anything labeled "lead dust"
  3. lick the walls
  4. eat any chips of paint from the walls, floors, ceilings, or exterior
  5. gnaw on banisters or newel posts covered in paint
  6. chew on window sills and door frames painted in lead-based paint
  7. walk into doors or walls... especially if they have peeling or cracked paint... but mostly just don't walk into doors or walls. Trust me. I know. From experience.

- Lead is bad for adults and children. REALLY?!?! No kidding?!?!
  1. does lots of bad things that everyone, including you, wants to avoid
  2. so don't eat or breath lead

- How do you prevent all of this from happening?

The government says that we must keep our houses and children and children's toys CLEAN. That's right. Clean. Wipe down surfaces with soapy water frequently. Make sure your kids get a healthy, balanced meal. Oh, and don't let them chew on your walls.

Don't buy toys with lead paint on them and avoid hobbies such as pottery.

Ok. All joking aside, we are 99% sure that there is lead paint somewhere in our house. 1890 and all. I do take this seriously. I don't sand walls. I only chew on my #2 pencil. And I will keep a vigilant eye any futuristic little ones (with laser guns) going through any teething phase. I'll even get our water tested, just to make sure no lead soldering was used.

Fortunately, our walls are in good shape. I plan to keep them that way.

I hope you found my annotation helpful and that you are gladly horror free this day.

Remember. Don't gnaw on your walls.

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